By request, reader Cameron asked me to discuss (read: rant) about people that bring young children into adult movies. When I say "adult movies," I do not mean porn (Mark Foley), I am referring to movies that their child/children shouldn't be in.
If you have a 1 year old and you take his incontinent ass to Donald Duck's Merry Adventure or whatever Disney shit is in theaters, that's fine, I don't watch that crap anyway. Have a fucking ball. However, when you take a kid (under the age of 13) to an R-rated movie, were going to have a problem. Your loud-ass, snack eating, ADHD having, nonstop talking, booger eater of a kid is ruining the experience for everyone else in the ENTIRE THEATER! People, please, by all means get a fucking babysitter! I don't care if you have to drop your kid off a Michael Jackson's pad in Bahrain or let uncle Mark Foley watch your boy for a couple hours, do whatever the fuck it takes to keep your brats out of my earshot (and line of sight).
If, by chance, you do bring your child to the movie and they begin to make noise...immediately remove them from the theater. Do not try and shush them! Do not ignore them and sit through their talking/tantrum/crying/shitting/vomiting/whatever the fuck they are doing. I do not have kids, therefore, I can not tune them out. Stuff a fucking ball gag in that kid's mouth, grab them by the nape of their neck, and spank them all the way out the door. If you do nothing, I will tell you to "shut that mongrel bastard up!" If you still do nothing, I may throw something at you. If you still remain ambivalent, I will get an usher, demand that he/she/it remove you from the theater. If the 15 year old usher encounters a problem and calls his 16 year year old manager, who still does nothing. I will assault and batter you and scar your testes/uterus to prevent you from polluting the earth with your demon progeny.
I will smite you from the face of the earth, chop your body up into chunks, and use it for chum when I go shark fishing (I will learn how to fish for sharks for this expressed purpose). I will salt the ground surrounding your graves so that no form of life may become infected with your foul taint. I will erase all record of your existence from the public record. You will suffer.
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4 comments:
BOOM! I like this "request a rant" idea. Damn I should get paid I visit this site so often (AND SINCE IM THE ONLY POSTER). To all those that read and dont post...CONTRIBUTE FOR ONCE!
And wtf?!?! The Man-Whore and I tried calling you to see an R-Rated movie with little children in the theater this past Sunday...way to leave your phone on! At least you could have experienced the joy of children in movies first hand and fresh in your memory for todays post :)
Oh and you should make it so people can see comments on the home page...so I can feel special
Damn you evolved, this isn't your ego building site. It's mine! I will, however, let you write guest articles if you want. Just send me the html and I'll post 'em.
Let's go see The Departed this week, text me if Thursday works for you.
My solution: switch to the seats behind the offenders, then break out the garrote...
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