Como estas bitches? I've taken some time off, as I'm sure you've noticed, to align my oneness with the mother goddess Earth. Now that my chakras are in their correct places and my chi is focused let me just say, FUCK THIS WEATHER.
Everyone bitches about the weather, but we in California consider ourselves lucky. We don't get hurricanes, tornadoes, or hail the size of grapefruit, but we get temperature fluctuations that piss me off to no end. It's November damnit! I want cold, I want rain, I want snow covered peaks, and I'm not getting any of it. I swear, if it doesn't snow in the mountains down here this winter, I will kill Mother Nature. I bet no one has ever threatened that before. I will cunt punch Mother Nature so hard, that she will have a stillborn El Nino. Do you hear me you stupid, selfish bitch!? Fuck with my snowboarding one more time, and it is war. I will build an array of orgone powered cloudbusters and aim them at the heavens until one of two things happens. One, the heavens spill forth a bounty of powdery, white angel dandruff (snow), or the sky becomes barren and ceases to provide precipitation for any of greater Southwest.
I repeat, fuck with my snow again and I will rape and torture woodland creatures, befoul streams with monkey excrement (I can get it, don't you worry), and generally raze and degrade all things green and leafy for the rest of my days.
That, or I'll go to Canada and snowboard there, whichever costs less.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Advertise my blog, win old crap!
Since my gospel is seriously lacking in any type of active community ('cept for evolved and snyde), I'm going to have a promotion where I give away fantastic prizes (read: old crap I am too lazy to throw out) to the person that gets me the most new commenting readers, or feed subscribers.
Stupid jun....awesome prizes include: single socks that I can't find the other foot of (there's a sweet checker one that I used to like a lot), old car magazines (mainly Sport Compact Car), and a Sony mp3 player (brand new, never been used, can't return to Target). Ha! I bet you thought all of the prizes would be crap, well you were wrong asshole! The contest starts now and ends on some day next month.
Start promoting me now and get free trash, and an mp3 player.
Also, check out Snyde's blog for insights and quips far more intelligent than anything my feeble mind could come up with.
P.S. - I love vodka!
Stupid jun....awesome prizes include: single socks that I can't find the other foot of (there's a sweet checker one that I used to like a lot), old car magazines (mainly Sport Compact Car), and a Sony mp3 player (brand new, never been used, can't return to Target). Ha! I bet you thought all of the prizes would be crap, well you were wrong asshole! The contest starts now and ends on some day next month.
Start promoting me now and get free trash, and an mp3 player.
Also, check out Snyde's blog for insights and quips far more intelligent than anything my feeble mind could come up with.
P.S. - I love vodka!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Ticketmaster can eat my ass.
You know what's a great pastime? Going out to a concert with your friends, or by yourself, either way is great. You know what ruins the great pastime of concert-going? Ticketmaster.
Since the beginning of time man has hated fees. In fact, even God hates fees (tithes are not fees because God already owns your money, look it up). In the Bible, or some similar book, a man named Jesus throws money collectors out of the temple. You know why he did it? I'll tell you why, because Jesus hates fees! Maybe "hate" is too strong a word to use in conjunction with the Son of God, but I don't make a rope whip and beat people I strongly dislike, know what I'm saying?
Anywho, Ticketmaster is to fees as Howard Stern is to the sybian. They may not have invented them, but they sure as hell are the number one supporter of 'em. One of the best things about going to a concert is finding a band you like that is having a concert with cheap seats. "Sweet! Haley Joel Osment and I See Dead People are having a show and tickets are only $20," you say. Not so fast my taste challenged friend. Tickets were 20 bucks, before the tax of $1.60 and the whopping $7.50 ticketmaster slapped on! But wait, there's more. You also need to pay a building and facility fee of $1.50. Over half the price of your ticket to that gawdawful mess of a shriek fest is tax and fees. Slap on parking, and your average day shifter at the Spearmint Rhino has to choose between seeing the Pussycat Dolls to learn some new moves, or buy another 8 ball. Decisions decisions.
Shame on you Ticketmaster, shame on you. Making the working girl class, choose between higher education (new tricks for a stripper is higher education, that pole is tall) and the life blood that fuels their high heeled romps to Warrant's "Cherry Pie."
I, being a great American, will suggest a way to take the fees out of the equation for the fans, but still generate a profit for the evil monopoly. Make the fees indirectly proportional to the quality of the music at the show. It works like this: the Rolling Stones are arguably one of the greatest rock bands of all time. They are also reanimated corpses that move in a surprisingly lifelike fashion. That's almost two shows in one, the fee: $.50. Now, say you want to see an Ashlee Simpson concert, and not because your a fat, greasy pedophile looking to pick up some trim. Your ticket price is $50 plus the $35 awful as all hell, caterwalling, lipsynching, nosejob subsidy fee. $85 total, it's no problem since the only people that would see that crap only make $5 a week in allowance and can convince their parents to buy them ponies, cell phones, and concert tickets (filthy little whores, I never got a pony). It's a win win situation.
There you go, if you have good taste in music (as determined by me) almost no fees, and if you don't, then you pay out the ass. For my small part in creating the fee to quality ratio, I will take 1% of all fees generated from crappy artists.
Since the beginning of time man has hated fees. In fact, even God hates fees (tithes are not fees because God already owns your money, look it up). In the Bible, or some similar book, a man named Jesus throws money collectors out of the temple. You know why he did it? I'll tell you why, because Jesus hates fees! Maybe "hate" is too strong a word to use in conjunction with the Son of God, but I don't make a rope whip and beat people I strongly dislike, know what I'm saying?
Anywho, Ticketmaster is to fees as Howard Stern is to the sybian. They may not have invented them, but they sure as hell are the number one supporter of 'em. One of the best things about going to a concert is finding a band you like that is having a concert with cheap seats. "Sweet! Haley Joel Osment and I See Dead People are having a show and tickets are only $20," you say. Not so fast my taste challenged friend. Tickets were 20 bucks, before the tax of $1.60 and the whopping $7.50 ticketmaster slapped on! But wait, there's more. You also need to pay a building and facility fee of $1.50. Over half the price of your ticket to that gawdawful mess of a shriek fest is tax and fees. Slap on parking, and your average day shifter at the Spearmint Rhino has to choose between seeing the Pussycat Dolls to learn some new moves, or buy another 8 ball. Decisions decisions.
Shame on you Ticketmaster, shame on you. Making the working girl class, choose between higher education (new tricks for a stripper is higher education, that pole is tall) and the life blood that fuels their high heeled romps to Warrant's "Cherry Pie."
I, being a great American, will suggest a way to take the fees out of the equation for the fans, but still generate a profit for the evil monopoly. Make the fees indirectly proportional to the quality of the music at the show. It works like this: the Rolling Stones are arguably one of the greatest rock bands of all time. They are also reanimated corpses that move in a surprisingly lifelike fashion. That's almost two shows in one, the fee: $.50. Now, say you want to see an Ashlee Simpson concert, and not because your a fat, greasy pedophile looking to pick up some trim. Your ticket price is $50 plus the $35 awful as all hell, caterwalling, lipsynching, nosejob subsidy fee. $85 total, it's no problem since the only people that would see that crap only make $5 a week in allowance and can convince their parents to buy them ponies, cell phones, and concert tickets (filthy little whores, I never got a pony). It's a win win situation.
There you go, if you have good taste in music (as determined by me) almost no fees, and if you don't, then you pay out the ass. For my small part in creating the fee to quality ratio, I will take 1% of all fees generated from crappy artists.
Friday, October 20, 2006
My Mom thinks I swear too much.
My Mom checked out the blog and this is what she had to say (spelling errors left in to show my superior typing skills):
Why are there so many curse words on your site. Yhat's [sic] a VERY poor reflection on your upbringing. Do you know that people can get into yopur [sic] blog and see it. Is that a true reflection of who you are??? Clean up your act man, and find cleaner words to use. Get rid of the F word!!!!
If you think I use the F word a lot you should hear the king of all F-bombs...my Dad. I learned to swear from the best of them, and that's something I use to effect to accentuate my posts. I don't swear a lot in real life (shut the fuck up evolved)...unless I'm angry. Anyway, my parents taught me many things, mom taught me how to ride a bike, dad taught me not to hit women (way to tie my hands with that one Dad!), they both taught me many things that I thank them both for. The only reason I'm not staying down at home to catch the concert with evolved is because spending time with my Dad is one of my highest priorities in life (maybe if you stopped smoking and I didn't expect you to die at any moment, I could lower the alert level to mustard or chartreuse).
All in all, don't be so sensitive Mom.
P.S. - she told me I should use my blog to talk about Jesus. If you don't know who Jesus is and what he did then you are an R-tard. Go to biblegateway.com and look up John chapter 3, verse 16. Jesus is good stuff, I recommend Him and God to everyone. There's my preaching for the day.
*Note - I capitalize "Mom" and "Dad" because I use them as their distinct title, like Doctor. Although my Dad is technically a doctor, I do not refer to him as such because I would then be a pretentious asshat.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Fuck Oprah
What the fuck is up with Oprah? Doesn't she have enough damn money yet? Everywhere I turn I see her evil smiling face. You might say to yourself "Fatal why do you think Oprah is evil? I think she's great." You, my friend, are a vagina. Oprah is the many headed beast that spawned the vile and odious creations Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray (she that shall not be named).
Bringing into power either of these abominations is a transgression great enough to warrant banishment to "The Pit," but The Dragon Winfrey did not stop with her first hellspawn, the shine head demon. She continued to promote her minion and spread her propaganda, and then she unleashed a banshee so shrill and annoying the mere sound of its voice flays the skin from a man's body.
The demon RR has monopolized more time on the Food Network than any other chef. More than even the Holy Grill Warrior, Bobby Flay. Her domination of basic cable culinary programming complete, the beast expanded her power base to day time talk. Thank the heavens you work during the day friend, for you escape the horror that awaits those who remain at home. The piercing shrieks that from her porcine countenance raise the hackles of dogs and man alike. The unintelligible gibberish is like the banter of a thousand child-demons.
Join me, and the crusade to destroy the true Axis of Evil, the triumvirate of those unholiest of beings from the glowing box, Oprah, Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray....*shudder*
Your tv viewing soul could be next.
Bringing into power either of these abominations is a transgression great enough to warrant banishment to "The Pit," but The Dragon Winfrey did not stop with her first hellspawn, the shine head demon. She continued to promote her minion and spread her propaganda, and then she unleashed a banshee so shrill and annoying the mere sound of its voice flays the skin from a man's body.
The demon RR has monopolized more time on the Food Network than any other chef. More than even the Holy Grill Warrior, Bobby Flay. Her domination of basic cable culinary programming complete, the beast expanded her power base to day time talk. Thank the heavens you work during the day friend, for you escape the horror that awaits those who remain at home. The piercing shrieks that from her porcine countenance raise the hackles of dogs and man alike. The unintelligible gibberish is like the banter of a thousand child-demons.
Join me, and the crusade to destroy the true Axis of Evil, the triumvirate of those unholiest of beings from the glowing box, Oprah, Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray....*shudder*
Your tv viewing soul could be next.
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